Alan Bissett

Vote Britain

Alan Bissett

People of Scotland, vote with your heart.

Vote with your love for the Queen who nurtured you, cradle to grave,

Who protects you and cares, her most darling subjects, to whom you gave

the glens she adores to roam freely through, the stags her children so dearly enjoy killing.

First into battle, loyal and true.  The enemy’s scared of you. 

That’s why we send you over the top with your och-aye-the-noo Mactivish there’s been a murrrderrr jings! crivvens! Deepfriedfuckinmarsbar wee wee dram of whisky hoots mon there’s a moose loose aboot this smackaddict

Vote, Jock.  Vote, Sweaty Sock.  Talk properly.

Vote with those notes we scrutinise  in our shops.

(might be legal tender but looks dodgy to me)

Vote for the Highland Clearances. Baaaaaaaaaa.

Vote for nuclear submarines in your water.

Vote for the Olympic Games you didn’t vote for

(but you’ll pay for it, you’ll pay for it).

Vote Conservative. Vote Lib Dem. Vote Libservative. Vote Condabour.

Vote with the chip on your shoulder.

Vote Labour.  New Labour. Old Labour. Scottish Labour.

(Get back in line, Scottish Labour, HQ in Solihull will issue their commands shortly,

Just keep the vote coming in from up there thanks goodbye,

Subsidy junkie).

Vote for any argument you construct in your defence being ‘anti-English’.

Vote for Scots who make their career in Scotland being ‘unambitious’.

Vote for enjoying your own culture being soooooooo parochial.

Vote God Save the Queen and that bit about us crushing you all.

Hush.  There there.

Vote for Scotland being refered to as a ‘region’, like, say, Yorkshire? Or East Anglia?

Vote for our voices dominating your media, but in no way telling you what to think.

Take a drink.  Go on, son, take a drink.

Vote for oil revenue, which we ensure flows directly from us into you.

Vote for being told you’re the only country in the world that could not possibly survive and that without us you’d fall to pieces like children abandoned in the wild, caked in faeces.

Vote Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch and

illegalimmigrantskilledPrincessDiana and

London London London most exciting city in the world darling

(Glasgow is a very violent place, is it not. Do you have art?)

Vote wth your heart.  Vote Empire. Vote tradition.

Vote for our proud shared history of

enslavingothernationsandstealingtheirnaturalresources

Bringing Wealth and Prosperity to the World!

being on the right side just once and that’s only because it was against yer actual fucking Hitler

Vote for the #ScottishConspiracy at Westminster

(who really runs the show here eh – Blair, Brown – got your own in that time, we aren’t allowed to vote in Holyrood but there’s Archie McPhee pulling wee strings in our parliament when we wouldn’t even think about interfering in how you run your own affairs but while we’re at it, this referendum eh? A so-called referendum, is it?  Have it now, make sure it looks like this)

Vote for very, very, very rich people patronising you.

Vote for Glasgow having the highest knife-crime rate and lowest life expectancy in Europe

due to our generosity.  You may thank us at your leisure.

Vote for the absence of your history in our schools.

All Brits together.

Vote for our shock at your ingratitude!

Vote for us saying ‘Eh? Eh?’ when you open up your porridge mooth.

Vote for bafflement about why you want the England football team to lose.

We always want the Scots to win (except in referenda).

Vote for psychopathic villains with your accent in a soap opera.

Vote for tuition fees and student loans, ensuring that the brightest of your working-class

(since you still insist upon the term, although Our Leaders had it banned)

will one day rise and take their place in this great land.

Vote for us deploying strategic references to Braveheart to dismiss you all.

Vote for Robert Burns being called by Paxman ‘sentimental doggerel’.

Vote for The Iron Lady.  Such a strong leader, gave this country backbone

(you didn’t really want the unions, industries or council homes, just made the place look tatty)

Vote for a deregulated banking class, lionising of the hardworkingwealthgeneratingjobcreatingentrepreneurs

who you will in no way refer to as ‘greedy, selfish bastards’.  Give them your taxes.

Vote for foreign wars.

Yes, sadly, some of you will die.  But you will return to a hero’s welcome

Jock

the Union Jack, proud symbol of integrity and honour, draped across your coffin

while your mother, dabbing at her eyes, recalls the words she learned in school

in Kircudbright

  ‘There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.’

Vote with your heart.

The reviews for my new novel, Pack Men, have been the best of my career so far.  These are some of the highlights:

‘Bissett was there, and his novel vividly recalls the so-called Battle of Piccadilly…Casts an unsparing eye over the sectarian pollution of Scottish society.’ – The Guardian

‘Bissett writes subtly, intelligently and also passionately about men.  An outstanding novel.’ – Scotland on Sunday

‘A landmark in Scottish fiction.  A unique and special novel. I honestly haven’t read anything as impressive as this from a Scottish writer in yonks’ – Irvine Welsh

‘Alan Bissett somehow invests an originality and freshness that’s uncommon in a genre so often hackneyed…Bissett’s ear for cut and thrust, for chiv-sharp wit and tinder-dry insult is incisive, pitch-perfect, informed.  While the sentiments may be crude, the writing is subtle, well paced, authentic and compelling.  The reader is white-water rafting on a cesspit-flow of verbal regurgitation, repelled, but riveted by the ride… What most impresses is Bissett’s talent. His writing is underscored with wit and, against the odds, he imbues almost all of his characters with dignity, with the force to act against type – especially in a breathtaking, breakaway, counter-intuitive which climax makes you gasp.’ – The Scotsman

‘A blistering, adrenaline-fuelled romp. Should be required reading for both sets of Old Firm supporters, as well as anyone interested in 21st Century Scotland.’ – Doug Johnstone, The List

‘Pack Men does what the author’s previous novels do so well: shines a light into the darkest corners of male psychology and behaviour, and finds, underneath the scorn and suffering, redeeming humanity.  Told with narrative flair and demotic brilliance, this is a hugely funny, ruthlessly honest, and desperately necessary book.  Bissett’s characters are complex, questioning, and always capable of surprising each other and the reader.  One of the funniest, most humane and insightful writers today.  Pack Men tackles an unsavoury subject with courage and compassion.’ – Sarah Hall, The Big Issue in the North

‘Pack Men is a wry, entertaining and mature work…Bissett succeeds in making us root for the most unlikely of antiheroes, even as he implodes’ – Scottish Review of Books

‘If Scotland’s father of working class consciousness, James Kelman, had a literary son it might be Alan Bissett…funny, irreverent and moving.’ – Gutter

And here are some reviews from the blogosphere.

‘A hugely impressive novel…Alan Bissett has once more held a mirror up to Scottish society.’ – Scots Whay Hae!

‘Real, very honest, heartfelt, witty, hilarious, clever…tender too, full of conviction and affection.’ – Subtle Melodrama

‘Plays with your expectations and gradually pulls you to places you didn’t expect.’ – Curious Joe

I’m currently on tour promoting the book.  See below for dates.  Come along and make me even happier!

My new novel, Pack Men, will be launched at Waterstones on Sauchiehall St, Glasgow, on Thurs 1st Sept at 6.30pm.  Free entry.  I will be in a very, very good mood indeed.  Come join me for a wee toast.

“Pack Men is a landmark in Scottish fiction.  A unique and special novel.” – Irvine Welsh