Alan Bissett

Playwright, novelist, performer, bletherer.

Lazy Susan

Right, folks, it’s the big wan: my first book in nearly ten years!!! 🥳 LAZY SUSAN. Hoooo she’s a riot.

Cover image: Line Hoven

But first, a wee story…I stopped writing novels because a) They take SOOOO LONG and b) I got into theatre. I’ve always wanted to go back to it, but then the kids came along and I thought: how the hell am I gonna manage it now?

Last year, however, Speculative Books published the scripts for my Moira Monologues plays and said, ‘How do you fancy doing a novella with us next year?’

Most publishers don’t like novellas, cos they want to sell full-length novels, but these guys were up for it. Now, I didn’t think I would have a chance of clearing the decks to write a full-length novel, but a novella? Something quick and dirty? Yeah man. Get back in the way of writing prose, remind people (and myself!) that I can still do it.

And here it is. LAZY SUSAN will surprise you. The narrator is a feisty 22 year-old on the party scene, a sort of Scottish, working-class Holly Golightly. You’ll like her a lot. There are also wee narrative treats in store that I’m going to let you discover in the reading of it. But I’m immensely proud of this book and think it stands up there with my best work. We’re not gonna sell it through Amazon – cos fuck Amazon – and you probably won’t see it in too many chain bookstores, cos you wouldn’t believe the size of the cut they take, so the best way to get it is from me (if you want it signed), directly from Speculative Books.

I’ve also had some lovely supporting quotes from other authors:

“Alan Bissett’s return to prose is better than your favourite band’s comeback tour. One of Scotland’s boldest voices reminds us what we’ve been missing. Rarely is a book so worthy of starting all over again as soon as finished.” – Michael Pedersen😍

Lazy Susan is a marvellous example of Bissett’s laudable talent in creating witty, human, flawed, and yet thoroughly empathetic characters, whose plights and journeys you are invested in from the first page. Susie’s varied adventures, all of which are worth taking, hit home the impact of the choices we make, as well as those ultimate factors that are outwith our control, no matter what we do. I adored this novella, and find myself wanting to meet Susie again. You will too.” – Jenny Lindsay

Lazy Susan is one hell of a smart novella, crackling with energy from start to finish. Susan’s character is created so vividly that she may as well be sat beside you, sharing her escapades over a glass of white wine. Alan Bissett’s storytelling is fast-paced and hilarious, peppered with moments of crippling poignancy. What an addictive read.” – Imogen Stirling

Lazy Susan is Bissett at his best – warm, mischievous and funny as fuck. Spending an evening in the company of Susan is a riotous pleasure. The masterful structure gives you real agency over the course of her rowdy journey – from hotel rooms to fringe shows to a hilarious comedy debut – I chose the destinations but it was Susan that took me for a ride. The perfectly observed speech patterns and dialogue brings to life a character who revels in her own authenticity. Bold, witty and sometimes hilariously unaware; Susan is the sort of one woman party you’d kill for a night out with in the real world.” – Kevin P. Gilday

I really, really want you all to read this book, cos it’s a big statement for me, cos it’s my only creative thing to come out of 2020, and cos you’ll love it, quite frankly. Have fun with LAZY SUSAN, folks!

Hoose Perty: birthday special

Right youse, it’s my birthday this month, and there’s no been a lot to look forward to this year, so my online Hoose Perty is gonna be a Bissett’s Birthday Special. And youse are invited! Fri 20th Nov, wear some nice claes, get yer disco lights and yer dancing shoes OAN, and come and join me on Zoom between 9pm and 1am for some quality 80s, 90s and 00s choooons! 🤩🥳

Even got some national coverage for it in The Scotsman.

Artist’s impression of actual night.

Here’s how it works: you get dressed up and stick on the disco lights (if you have some) then log onto Zoom (link below). You’re all Muted, and I play some awesome songs, and we all have a dance and a blether in the Chat facility! Like a hoose perty.Just something to make us feel that bit less lonely and disconnected at this weird time.Entrance is free, but if you wanted to donate it would be much appreciated. My account is

Zoom link is:

Meeting ID: 880 6147 2088

(nb. If you just stare for ages – especially if you’re a guy – and don’t actually move about a bit I’ll probably switch your video off. It’s a club, mate. It’s for dancing.)

Alan Bissett’s Hoose Perty

Wee thing before the main event: my performances of The Red Hourglass for the Glasgow Comedy Festival at the Oran Mor, cancelled because of Covid-19 and rescheduled for November, has now been rescheduled again for 13th March 2021, so here’s hoping this virus has buggered off by then.


Hoose Perty!

So after the rip-roaring, hip-shaking success of August’s Hoose Perty, where we all got our groove oan on Zoom, comes Alan Bissett’s Hoose Perty 2: Perty Harder!  On Fri Oct 9th (9pm-1am) I’ll be DJ-ing the best 70s, 80s, 90s and 00s pop, dance, indie and rock for yer dancing needs. Nae performance or readings, it’s all aboot the music and the moves. Entry is free, but if you want to pop a donation into my paypal account it’d be much appreciated. Whether you’re inviting pals round for a boogie, or bopping solo, let’s open and a bottle and be free.

See yese there x

Coronavirus News

Hoo! Grim times, folks. But hopefully we will get through this by working together.

Just to let you know that all my live events are cancelled for the foreseeable future, including The Red Hourglass at The Glasgow International Comedy Festival. However, it is being rescheduled for Nov 3rd at the Oran Mor, Glasgow, and your tickets will remain vaild.

It’s worth saying, however, that if I can no longer do live events then my income will be decimated.  I have two kids and have no idea where the money is going to come from now.  As such, I’m going to try experimenting with online, pay-per-view content, which is a new world to me, but I’m starting with letting you see my famous ‘one-woman show’ The Moira Monologues, recorded at Falkirk Town Hall in 2011.  If you care to donate to my Paypal account I can send you a Vimeo link with a password for viewing.

Or you could use the same paypal link to buy a copy of one of my books, which I can sign and post out to you?

The Incredible Adam Spark (novel): £12 (inc P&P)

The Moira Monologues + More Moira Monologues: £12 (inc P&P)

Collected Plays 2009-2014: £16 (inc P&P)


You get some cracking writing, I get to feed my kids. Win win!

We’ll make it through this.  Just think about the perties at the enday it!


The New Year bringeth books and tour

Welcome to the 2020s.  Here’s hoping it gives us vision!  Here’s what I’ve got coming up for the rest of the winter…

Photo on 09-12-2019 at 18.05

Your new favourite book.

First of all, my famous ‘one woman shows’ The Moira Monologues/More Moira Monologues have finally been published together in a book for the first time.  You can buy a signed copy for £10 (inc P&P) if you email me on Failing that, you’ll be able to pick up a copy from me after any of the following shows, kicking off with…

11th Jan (Sat) 7pmMore Moira Monologues, East Whitburn Community Centre (‘The Bash’) West Lothian

As part of Sonnet Youth mini-tour:

15th Jan (Wed) 7.30pm – Gilded Balloon Rose Theatre Basement, Edinburgh

16th Jan (Thurs) 7.30pm –  Made in Stirling Creative Hub, Stirling

17th Jan (Fri) 7.30pm – The Old Hairdressers, Glasgow

The Moira tour continues…

18th Jan (Sat) 7.30pm – Moira Monologues/ More Moira Monologues double-bill, Birnam Arts and Conference Cenre, Dunkeld, Perthshire.

31st Jan (Fri) 7.30pm – More Moira Monologues, Cairndow Village Hall , Argyll and Bute.

7th Feb (Fri) 8pm – The Moira Monologues, Gartmore Village Hall, Stirlingshire

6th March (Fri) 7.30pm – More Moira Monologues, Community Hall, Ballantrae, Ayrshire. Tickets from Craigiemains Home & Garden Centre, Ballantrae, or on 07920517700.

20th March (Fri) 7.30pm – The Moira Monologues / More Moira Monologues, Lochwinnoch Golf Club, Lochwinnoch Arts Festival, Renfrewshire.

“Alan Bissett Presents…” at the Paisley Book Festival

28th Feb (Fri) 9pm – Alan Bissett Presents…Chris McQueer, Callum’s Cavern, Paisley

29th Feb (Sat) 1.30pm Alan Bissett Presents…Tom Leonard’s Radical Renfrew 30 Years On, The Lane Bar, Paisley

29th Feb (Sat) 4.30pm Alan Bissett Presents…Kevin P. Gilday, Magi Gibson and Imogen Stirling, The Bull Inn, Paisley

My one-man Edinburgh Fringe show from 2019 finally hitting Glasgow…

26th Mar (Thurs) 8pm – The Red Hourglass, Oran Mor, Glasgow International Comedy Festival

27th Mar (Fri) 8pm – The Red Hourglass, Oran Mor, Glasgow International Comedy Festival

See yese there, folks.


Moira Monologues Autumn ’19 tour dates

Well, folks, that’s another Edinburgh Fringe run over! Thanks everyone who came along to my spidertastic show The Red Hourglass at the Scottish Storytelling Centre. It seems to have been a hit – especially that delightfully dark lady, the Black Widow!

Now it’s time to get the high-heeled boots back on for a different kind of dame. My ‘one woman shows’ The Moira Monologues and More Moira Monologues – sometimes on their own, sometimes as a double-bill – continue their never-ending tour around Scotland this Autumn, so come and check me out as Falkirk’s hardest woman at the following venues:

Fri 6th Sept – Royal British Legion, Outwith Festival, Dunfermline 8pm**

Sat 14th Sept – Community and Arts Centre, Nairn Festival, Nairn 9.15pm**

Thu 3rd Oct – Behind the Wall, Falkirk Storytelling Festival, Falkirk 7.30pm*

Sun 6th Oct – Behind the Wall, Falkirk Storytelling Festival, Falkirk 7.30pm**

Thu 10th OctMacrobert Centre, University of Stirling, Stirling 7.30pm***

Wed 6th NovLemon Tree, Aberdeen 7pm***

*Moira Monologues only    **More Moira Monologues only   ***Double-bill

See yese there, folks!



Moira summer tour dates / new play in Aberdeenshire / The Red Hourglass returns to the Edinburgh Fringe

The Moira Monologues is making its way around the far-flung places of Scotland this summer (well, they probably don’t feel that far-flung if you live there), so come and check me out as Falkirk’s hardest woman at the following venues.

13th July (Sat) – Island Hall, Easdale Island 7.30pm**

18th July (Thurs) – Arts Centre, Lyth 8pm*

*The Moira Monologues only       **The Moira Monologues and More Moira Monologues

BUT ALSO! I have a brand new musical play entitled Mr Francis and the Village of Secrets, commissioned for The Mitchell School of Drama, in Inverurie, which debuts this summer, based on the life of Gothic novelist, Francis Lathom. You can see it on the following dates:

IMG_7232 fx vig.jpg

‘Mr Francis and the Village of Secrets’ principal cast

27th – 29th June (Thurs-Sat) – Wyness Hall, Inverurie, Garioch Theatre Festival, 7.30pm

31st July – 1st Aug (Wed-Thurs) – Lemon Tree, Aberdeen, 7.30pm.

2nd Aug (Fri) – Peterhead Community Hall, Peterhead, 7.30pm

BUT ALSO! My 2012 smash-hit one man show, The Red Hourglass, in which I play several different species of spider is returning to the Edinburgh Fringe. You can catch a preview performance at The Glad Cafe, Glasgow, on July 26th, but otherwise it’s at the Scottish Storytelling Centre from 1st-14th August.

For tickets, click the scary-ass black widow below…



Moira Monologues summer tour dates!

Hi everyone, in case you fancy catching the bold Moira as she struts her stuff up and down Scotland this summer, get yourselves along to one of these…

18th May (Sat) – Annan Athletic Football Club, Annan, Dumfries and Galloway, 7.30pm**

26th May (Sun)Dunmuir Hotel, Coastword Festival, Dunbar, East Lothian, 6pm*

12th June (Wed) – Craignish Village Hall, Ardfern – (doors open 7pm)*

13th June (Thurs) – Corran Halls Studio Theatre, Oban, 7.30pm**

14th June (Fri)  – Ballachulish Village Hall, Ballachulish, 01855 811866, 8pm*

15th June (Sat) Aros Community Theatre, Portree, Skye, 01478 613750, 7.30pm*

 30th June (Sun) – Wyness Hall, Inverurie 7.30pm (doors open 7pm) **

July dates to be confirmed soon!

*The Moira Monologues only       **The Moira Monologues and More Moira Monologues


Moira Monologues tour dates 2019

Hi folks!

After my ‘one-woman show’ The Moira Monologues and its sequel More Moira Monologues battered their way through Scotland in 2018, I thought – like Thelma and Louise – “let’s keep going!”  I’m in the process of setting up some dates all over the country, but the ones that are confirmed so far aaaaaaare….

Wed 27th FebUniversity of Highlands and Islands, Inverness 6.30pm.*

Thurs 14th MarMcKillop Centre, Lochwinnoch Arts Festival 7pm*

Sat 18th MayAnnan Athletic Football Club, Annan, Dumfries and Galloway 7.30pm**

*Moira Monologues only  **double-bill




Moira Monologues – Autumn tour dates

Having crossed Scotland this year in my high-heeled boots, as ‘Falkirk’s hardest woman’ Moira Bell, I’ll be taking my shows The Moira Monologues and More Moira Monologues ever-further afield this Autumn.  Here are the tour dates, folks!

Thurs  27th Sept (1pm) Moira Monologues & (7pm) Moira Monologues + More Moira Monologues. Findhorn Bay Arts Festival, Moray.

Sun 7th Oct (8pm) Moira Monologues, Behind the Wall, Falkirk.


Thurs 8th Nov (8pm) More Moira Monologues, Drouthy Cobbler, Elgin, Moray.

Fri 9th Nov (7.30pm) Moira Monologues, Deveronside Social Club, Banff, Aberdeenshire  *charity performance for CLAPA – Cleft Lip and Palate Assoc*

Wed 14th Nov (8pm) Moira Monologues + More Moira Monologues, Eden Court, Inverness.

Thurs 15th Nov (7.30pm) More Moira Monologues, Howden Park, Livingston.