Here’s where I’m going to be saying things in public. Readings, politics, and the like. Come along and heckle.

Jan 27th (Fri) 7pm @ HarbourArts Centre, Irvine. Reading from novels.
Jan 30th (Mon) 8pm @ The Dram, Woodlands Rd, Glasgow, for Glasgow Uni Lit Soc.
Feb 11th (Sat) 7.30pm @ The Berkley Suites, Charing Cross, Glasgow, for ‘Frames Per Second’ as part of Glasgow Short Film Festival. Adam Stafford and I will be performing a live version of our award-winning short film, ‘The Shutdown’.
15th Feb (Wed) 6pm @ 32 University Avenue, Glasgow Uni. Talk on ‘Scotland, Politics & Culture’.
21st Feb (Tues) 9pm @ The Ubiquitous Chip, Ashton Lane, Glasgow. Reading from novels.
22nd Feb (Wed) time tbc @ The Stand Comedy Club, Glasgow, for SNP Youth Comedy Night.
26th Feb (Sun) 6pm @ Oran Mor, as part of cast of Alasdair Gray’s play ‘Fleck’, for Margins Book Festival.
10th March (Sat) 5pm @ Mitchell Library, Glasgow, delivering keynote address w/Zoe Strachan & Ewan Morrison for ‘Write Now’ conference as part of Aye Write! festival.
10th March (Sat) 7.30pm @ Reading Room, Blairlogie, for launch of Dickson Telfer’s book ‘Killing a Spider’.
11th March (Sun) 3.30pm, Mitchell Library, Glasgow, as part of Aye Write! festival. Talk on ‘Football & Sectarianism’ w/ Rodge Glass and Richard Wilson.

You’ve no excuse for not saying hi.

A.x

Alan Bissett

People of Scotland, vote with your heart.

Vote with your love for the Queen who nurtured you, cradle to grave,

Who protects you and cares, her most darling subjects, to whom you gave

the glens she adores to roam freely through, the stags her children so dearly enjoy killing.

First into battle, loyal and true.  The enemy’s scared of you. 

That’s why we send you over the top with your och-aye-the-noo Mactivish there’s been a murrrderrr jings! crivvens! Deepfriedfuckinmarsbar wee wee dram of whisky hoots mon there’s a moose loose aboot this smackaddict

Vote, Jock.  Vote, Sweaty Sock.  Talk properly.

Vote with those notes we scrutinise  in our shops.

(might be legal tender but looks dodgy to me)

Vote for the Highland Clearances. Baaaaaaaaaa.

Vote for nuclear submarines in your water.

Vote for the Olympic Games you didn’t vote for

(but you’ll pay for it, you’ll pay for it).

Vote Conservative. Vote Lib Dem. Vote Libservative. Vote Condabour.

Vote with the chip on your shoulder.

Vote Labour.  New Labour. Old Labour. Scottish Labour.

(Get back in line, Scottish Labour, HQ in Solihull will issue their commands shortly,

Just keep the vote coming in from up there thanks goodbye,

Subsidy junkie).

Vote for any argument you construct in your defence being ‘anti-English’.

Vote for Scots who make their career in Scotland being ‘unambitious’.

Vote for enjoying your own culture being soooooooo parochial.

Vote God Save the Queen and that bit about us crushing you all.

Hush.  There there.

Vote for Scotland being refered to as a ‘region’, like, say, Yorkshire? Or East Anglia?

Vote for our voices dominating your media, but in no way telling you what to think.

Take a drink.  Go on, son, take a drink.

Vote for oil revenue, which we ensure flows directly from us into you.

Vote for being told you’re the only country in the world that could not possibly survive and that without us you’d fall to pieces like children abandoned in the wild, caked in faeces.

Vote Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch and

illegalimmigrantskilledPrincessDiana and

London London London most exciting city in the world darling

(Glasgow is a very violent place, is it not. Do you have art?)

Vote wth your heart.  Vote Empire. Vote tradition.

Vote for our proud shared history of

enslavingothernationsandstealingtheirnaturalresources

Bringing Wealth and Prosperity to the World!

being on the right side just once and that’s only because it was against yer actual fucking Hitler

Vote for the #ScottishConspiracy at Westminster

(who really runs the show here eh – Blair, Brown – got your own in that time, we aren’t allowed to vote in Holyrood but there’s Archie McPhee pulling wee strings in our parliament when we wouldn’t even think about interfering in how you run your own affairs but while we’re at it, this referendum eh? A so-called referendum, is it?  Have it now, make sure it looks like this)

Vote for very, very, very rich people patronising you.

Vote for Glasgow having the highest knife-crime rate and lowest life expectancy in Europe

due to our generosity.  You may thank us at your leisure.

Vote for the absence of your history in our schools.

All Brits together.

Vote for our shock at your ingratitude!

Vote for us saying ‘Eh? Eh?’ when you open up your porridge mooth.

Vote for bafflement about why you want the England football team to lose.

We always want the Scots to win (except in referenda).

Vote for psychopathic villains with your accent in a soap opera.

Vote for tuition fees and student loans, ensuring that the brightest of your working-class

(since you still insist upon the term, although Our Leaders had it banned)

will one day rise and take their place in this great land.

Vote for us deploying strategic references to Braveheart to dismiss you all.

Vote for Robert Burns being called by Paxman ‘sentimental doggerel’.

Vote for The Iron Lady.  Such a strong leader, gave this country backbone

(you didn’t really want the unions, industries or council homes, just made the place look tatty)

Vote for a deregulated banking class, lionising of the hardworkingwealthgeneratingjobcreatingentrepreneurs

who you will in no way refer to as ‘greedy, selfish bastards’.  Give them your taxes.

Vote for foreign wars.

Yes, sadly, some of you will die.  But you will return to a hero’s welcome

Jock

the Union Jack, proud symbol of integrity and honour, draped across your coffin

while your mother, dabbing at her eyes, recalls the words she learned in school

in Kircudbright

  ‘There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.’

Vote with your heart.

I’ve been shortlisted for a Glenfiddich Spirit of Scotland Award 2011, which is rather lovely. It’s a much sought-after award, as it recognises achievement by Scots not only in literature, but in Food, the Environment, Business, Music, Sport, Art and Film. In the Writing category I’m up against Denise Mina, Jackie Kay and Julia Donaldson, who are all amazing, and we are planning to sit at the same table, get drunk and all bet on each other winning. Cannay wait. Anyway, if you’d care to, you can vote for me here.

The Shutdown, the short film that I made with Adam Stafford, has also been shortlisted for a Scottish BAFTA.  Results announced on Nov 13th.

You can also hear a ‘career retrospective’ hour long podcast with me and Alasdair Braidwood from the ever excellent Scots Whay Hae. There’s a whole lot of Bissett to listen to on the ‘Fifth Podcast’ here.

‘Bissett was there, and his novel vividly recalls the so-called Battle of Piccadilly…Casts an unsparing eye over the sectarian pollution of Scottish society.’ – The Guardian

‘Bissett writes subtly, intelligently and also passionately about men.  An outstanding novel.’ – Scotland on Sunday

‘A landmark in Scottish fiction.  A unique and special novel. I honestly haven’t read anything as impressive as this from a Scottish writer in yonks’ – Irvine Welsh

‘Alan Bissett somehow invests an originality and freshness that’s uncommon in a genre so often hackneyed…Bissett’s ear for cut and thrust, for chiv-sharp wit and tinder-dry insult is incisive, pitch-perfect, informed.  While the sentiments may be crude, the writing is subtle, well paced, authentic and compelling.  The reader is white-water rafting on a cesspit-flow of verbal regurgitation, repelled, but riveted by the ride… What most impresses is Bissett’s talent. His writing is underscored with wit and, against the odds, he imbues almost all of his characters with dignity, with the force to act against type – especially in a breathtaking, breakaway, counter-intuitive which climax makes you gasp.’ – The Scotsman

‘A blistering, adrenaline-fuelled romp. Should be required reading for both sets of Old Firm supporters, as well as anyone interested in 21st Century Scotland.’ – Doug Johnstone, The List

‘Pack Men does what the author’s previous novels do so well: shines a light into the darkest corners of male psychology and behaviour, and finds, underneath the scorn and suffering, redeeming humanity.  Told with narrative flair and demotic brilliance, this is a hugely funny, ruthlessly honest, and desperately necessary book.  Bissett’s characters are complex, questioning, and always capable of surprising each other and the reader.  One of the funniest, most humane and insightful writers today.  Pack Men tackles an unsavoury subject with courage and compassion.’ – Sarah Hall, The Big Issue in the North

‘Pack Men is a wry, entertaining and mature work…Bissett succeeds in making us root for the most unlikely of antiheroes, even as he implodes’ – Scottish Review of Books

‘If Scotland’s father of working class consciousness, James Kelman, had a literary son it might be Alan Bissett…funny, irreverent and moving.’ – Gutter

And here are some reviews from the blogosphere.

‘A hugely impressive novel…Alan Bissett has once more held a mirror up to Scottish society.’ – Scots Whay Hae!

‘Real, very honest, heartfelt, witty, hilarious, clever…tender too, full of conviction and affection.’ – Subtle Melodrama

‘Plays with your expectations and gradually pulls you to places you didn’t expect.’ – Curious Joe

I’m currently on tour promoting the book.  See below for dates.  Come along and make me even happier!

‘Pack Men

My new novel is out!  You can read an advance review in the Scottish Review of Books here.  I’m on a promotional blitzkrieg that will see me standing up in front of audiences and blethering the utmost pish (with moments of sparkling insight).  Here’s where you can catch me doing, like, my thing:

Sat 17th Sept, 2pm & 8.20pm – Macrobert Centre, Stirling University

Thurs, 22nd Sept 6.30pm – WordPower Radical Bookstore, 43 West Nicholson St, Edinburgh

Fri 23rd Sept, 4pm – The Old Hairdressers across from Stereo, Renfield Lane, Glasgow, as part of KILTR @ Social Media Week

Sat 24th & Sun 25th Sept, 3pm each day - Wigtown Book Festival solo event & 9pm on the Sun as part of Discombobulate.

Thurs 6th Oct - 8.30pm, Behind The Wall, Falkirk.

Sat 8th Oct – Bungofest, Strathbungo, Pollokshields, Glasgow, w/Martin O’Connor. 1.45-2pm Mise en Place. 2.15-2.30pm Samuel Dow’s, 2.45-3pm Moyra Jayne’s.

Thurs 20th Oct – N.Lanarkshire as part of Discombobulate, venue and time tbc.

That’s enough for us to be getting on with eh?  See you somewhere, I hope. You’ve got no excuse for not saying hi.

A.x

“Pack Men is a landmark in Scottish fiction.  A unique and special novel.” – Irvine Welsh

Pack Men published Sept 7th

“A landmark in Scottish fiction.  A unique and special novel. Disguising it as an archetypal tale of the educated working class boy disdaining and admiring his mates in equal measure, Alan Bissett tackles Scotland’s ongoing sore of sectarianism. With neither condescending sneer nor pathetic apology, he shows how it will always exert a pull on those at the bottom of the social pile. A big enough achievement in itself, but the overall impact is greater still; Pack Men is nothing less than a fearless dissection of contemporary Scottish masculinity. I honestly haven’t read anything as impressive as this from a Scottish writer in yonks.”

The novel is released on 7th Sept 2011, but will be available for special events at the Edinburgh International Book Festival on 26th August 2011 and Waterstones Sauchiehall in Glasgow on 1st Sept.  You can pre-order copies here.

My new one, Pack Men, will be released on Sept 7th, as a novel and e-book.  It’s set in May 2008, on the day when Glasgow Rangers played a UEFA Cup Final in Manchester.  I’m fairly certain that if you’ve liked any of my stuff before then you’ll also like this one, and you just mightrecognise some of the characters from a previous novel. 

Pack Men

Pre-release copies will be availabe at my main event with Doug Johnstone at the Edinburgh International Book Festival on August 26th, 7pm, then afterwards at 9pm as part of Words Per Minute for the Unbound strand.  I will also be featured at the Unbound gig for Gutter magazine on August 15th, 9pm, and will be part of the amazing cast of Alasdair Gray’s Fleck on August 29th, alongside Will Self, Ian Rankin, A.L. Kennedy, Janice Galloway, Liz Lochhead, Rodge Glass, Zoe Strachan and Louise Welsh.

If you’re nowhere near Edinburgh, then you can catch me at the Belladrum festival on Fri 5th Aug in the literary tent, or at the Black Isle Words Festival on Sat 10th Sept.

That should be enough to be getting on with, I think!  See you soon, with a book in my hands and a wee spring in my step.

A.x

Tickets and more info HERE. George Galloway is one of the judges. George Galloway!

And then, the day after, it’s the last EVER performance of The Moira Monologues in Scotland.

Bringing Moira home to Falkirk for one last stand. Tickets and info HERE.

See you there!